Little bit about past

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MilanaMill's avatar
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So I've been getting few notes and comments complaining about how I'm a horrible person and bullied Rini when I have no idea how she feels like as she had anxiety and panic disorder. 

Well you know what? You can list almost any mental illness and I'm sure to have it. Yes I have depression, I have anxiety, I have panic disorder, I have eating problems, I'm anorectic and I have suicidal thoughts. There you go, still I see myself pretty much as a normal person. I don't try to kill myself every minute and I don't mope alone in the corner all day. 

But why I have all this? Well I have a freaking good reason to it.

I've been bullied in school from my first day to even this day. 

In elementary school I was mocked and left out by people. They would say mean things about me and wouldn't let me play with them. Still as I'm older I was willing to forgive that. I mean we were all kids back then so it was pretty normal. 

My middle school on the other hand was a living hell. Everything that ever made me just want to give up on living happened there. I was bullied by my classmates, though I had few friends too, sadly I had no one to stand by me. My classmates hated me. They told me to kill myself, they would never talk to me and ignore all my questions. They refused to take me into their groups when we had some group works. Everyone would always avoid me. They wouldn't even let me touch them and if I went even close they would always yell "UGGHH" and back up. If I did accidentally touch them, they would complain about how they must burn their clothes. I cried in bathroom everyday. Everyday they would say "I hope you know, that no one wants you here". My friends would sometimes hang out just 2 of them and leave me all alone. That was how it was back then. I tried to tell a teacher but they did nothing about it. They only said how they would talk to bullies but even when they did, they wouldn't stop. I lost all my value in that school. I really believed that I had no any kind of value, that if I were to die it wouldn't matter, because I was really a pile of dirt. I tried to kill myself several times. That's when I started to get panic attacks and anxiety as well. Sometimes I would pass out and I remember once when I passed out on school yard in winter, my classmates would just laugh and tell me to froze to death. I skipped school many times, because I couldn't take it. They would take my drawings and show them to class. They even took pictures of me and photoshopped them to look ugly and then spread them around the school. They told horrible rumors about me and soon everyone in school would mock me, because of them. I became a whore, a thief and crazy. 

When I got out of the middle school it got little better but, because of my past I was very afraid to make friends. I would always be afraid about what they would say. I knew that if they would tell me to go away I would break. I cannot handle it. And for some reason everyone started to get along but I was left out. Believe me I tried to make friends but I couldn't. Last time I tried suicide was few months ago. We went to bowling and all girls were in one group expect I was left out. I didn't bowl at all and when I said about it, they just told me not to try to get attention. I tried to jump under the car but it failed. Things got little better after a while and no one really talked about it which was good. There's still been little fights and someone telling me things I never want to hear in my life but whenever it happens I leave. 


I look like a steady person but only, because I try to avoid every situation that could break me. I'm like broken glass that's been fixed up so many times that even small touch could break it again. Even up to this day I still don't think myself as human equal to others. While I try to get some of my self-esteem back I know that it's actually barely existing. And there isn't even a day in my life when I don't remember all that. That's all that makes me a human I'm today and when I look back, I've never really had too many good memories. 


Art was something that made help to escape the reality. I could give my characters anykind of life I can think of. I can create everything even a new universe. I made a deal once to myself that I would grow up pretty and popular so that the people who once bullied me would see that there's actually people who care for me and that I'm needed. 

I could never become popular in real life or have a group of people who would want me in but that's why I always wanted it for my art. You know I want people to love what I create and feel like it's important. It would also make me feel like I've given something to this world that leaves some kind of mark. 

Thanks for reading and while I appreciate it but please don't send me any notes ok. I don't really wanna talk about this and I don't want to share any sob stories. I just want you to know that this is something that has happened and may happen again but also something that makes me want to be stronger. I need no pity I only need understanding ♥

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© 2014 - 2024 MilanaMill
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xx-blacklist-xx's avatar
I'm so very sorry for your past :( it sucks. I was also bullied heavily. To date(and now as a mother), I can say I've been bullied all my life. Since the tender age of 6, I can recall all the instances and how I felt. It's terrible to be a child and feel depressed, unwanted, etc. I don't trust people anymore because when I did, I got stabbed in my back and got my heart broken by people who I thought saw me as family. I'm the kind of person who believes all things have a purpose. Some of us just need to learn to stop being so kind and grow a spine(in my case anyway). Some need to learn to say no. Some need to learn to stand up for themselves, even when others won't. Some need to learn to forgive. In your case, I think you learned to be stronger. And to not take people's remarks to heart. I have always valued trust, but not everyone does. I can't say the same for not taking things to heart, because it's very difficult when you take people seriously. Best of luck to you hun.

Also, I think this journal was important for you to write. People are making accusations about Rini's issues. Yes because clearly you've caused her anguish and stuff. No. If she has anxiety/panic disorder, then why hadn't she addressed it prior when the other issues began? Why is it being brought up NOW? I really admire you for having the courage to share this and for letting people know of Rini's ways. I honestly think the Rini-boos are either just stupid or are in denial and choose you as their target for aggression. Weak people are quick to blame others and get tons of people on their side by playing the victim card. You my dear, are a strong woman. Don't let anyone, especially those stupid Rini-boos make you think otherwise. Though I do admire her art and feel she has potential, her personality and actions are leading me to not care for her as a person. We will see if she comes back and if she does, I hope she fixes her problems. If she continues to play victim and be a little jerk, then she'll have one less watch from me, I don't care if she improves her art and stops stealing and cutting corners. If her attitude doesn't change, then good luck to her.